


Barbecue Sauce

by CushionySiren3



Category: RWBY
Genre: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Did I say Experimental?, Drama, Experimental Style, Multi, Romance, Shorts, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 08:55:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14733905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CushionySiren3/pseuds/CushionySiren3
Summary: Ruby has some barbecue sauce on her cheek. Isn't that just swell? Also the world is weird..... But the barbecue sauce seems more important.





	1. It Begins

**Author's Note:**

> RWBY is owned by Rooster Teeth Productions, support the official release.
> 
> This work is experimental, so uhmmm...... just letting ya know what you're getting into now.

Ruby laid on her back, staring at the ceiling. She had finished lunch not too long ago. It was leftover ribs her roommate brought home the other night. The plate was sitting on her desk next to two plastic cups containing what was left of the barbecue sauce. She had made a mess but no one came in her room so she didn’t care.

The only real problem was that she had some barbecue sauce on her cheek. It had gotten there when she bit into the last rib. She tried to lick it off, but it was just out of reach. The tip of her tongue barely touched the edge. Usually she’d just wipe it off, but the alien menace that had invaded three hours ago had decided to eradicate all napkins.

Apparently a diplomatic party met them when they touched down and a napkin carried on a strong gust got caught on one of the extraterrestrial’s twenty-five legs and they took this as an act of aggression. The frazzled diplomats tried to explain this misunderstanding, but apparently the aliens lose all hearing when they go into a panic. Once the aliens calmed down someone was able to explain and they were quick to apologize, but before that they had released an estimated seventeen billion automated drones into the atmosphere to destroy all napkins, handkerchiefs, wetnaps, and towels on the planet.

Naturally, the second option would have been to wash it off, but that was its own can of worms. Her other roommate had been in the bathroom all day and she didn’t want to go downstairs and use the kitchen sink because she was honestly too lazy to go downstairs. When she first moved in she thought it would be fun to share an apartment with a three-meter tall sentient rose bush, but she realized how horribly wrong she was when she saw the water bill.

The bush pulled in four times the normal amount of water and that meant Ruby had to pull long hours just to pay the whore’s bills. Ruby sighed and just lit another cigarette. Her room always smelled like smoke. The bush would tell her the room smelled “stuffy” which was the nice way of saying “Your room smells like smoke, sweat, and ejaculate.”

Ruby didn’t care though.

That’s a lie. She kinda cared. No one likes the truth.

Ruby let out a long sigh, smoke rising from her mouth in a thick, hot cloud. The nicotine helped numb the pain. Her back was always in knots. It was the anxiety and the bed, she didn’t choose a good mattress. The Goodwill didn’t have much in the way of options, but this was one choice she regretted. She took a long drag and let it go.

The sound of the shower droned in the background and the sound of children screaming and laughing pierced her window. They were always screaming. She sat up and swung her feet over the side of her bed. She stuck her fag between her lips and pulled out her cellular. It was a simple sleek device with the word “Scroll” etched into the back. She typed a few keys, meandered to the window, slid it open, and stared out at the sherbet skyline.  
It didn’t take long for Juan to roll up in the El Camino. Ruby barely acknowledged him. She grabbed her windowsill and threw herself out into the car with little difficulty.When she was planted in the passenger’s seat she exhaled a cloud of smoke and mumbled to him. “Let’s go.”


	2. On the Road Again

Ruby flicked her cigarette out into the avocado orchard. The spark set the whole field aflame, the fire started low but jumped high when it consumed the brush. The trees didn’t burn long, maybe a half second at most. Ruby wasn’t exactly paying attention, she was trying to leech another cigarette from Juan.

“I’m out.”

“Three hundred and fifty-four,” He pulled a cigarette from his father’s bomber jacket and placed it in Ruby’s palm.

She said nothing. She looked down the long expanse of asphalt and lit her cigarette.It wasn’t a long drive but she didn’t care, her feet were sweating. She kicked off her shoes and reclined the seat, throwing her arm back she grabbed her shades. They were a few years old but they had been good to her. She flipped opened the plastic frames and slide them back onto her face. Two fingers squeezed the frame for a second until the lenses turned pink. 

She wasn’t in a pink mood but whatever. She kinda liked pink anyways. 

“You have barbecue sauce on your cheek.”

“I know.”

The sound of the tires rolling down abandoned road hummed through the cabin. Occasionally Juan would hit a zombie that would either burst into a thousand pieces or just go flying into the sky. The two would flinch, but the National Political Correctness Committee had decreed zombies were problematic and offensive to the lower class and people with leprosy so everyone was just supposed to ignore them.

It wasn’t the best solution, but the zombies began to show signs of severe depression as soon as they were shunned from society, so they lost the will to cause problems. There was occasionally one or two people who’d complain about the zombie presence, but they were always deemed to be problematic so they would typically drop their claims or commit suicide. The Committee deemed the backlash and deaths negligible.

Ruby exhaled a warm cloud. “Did you hear about the aliens?”

“Yeah, they destroyed all the toilet paper.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,”

“Damn,”

“We still got paper.”

“That’s good”

“Yeah,”

“You seeing Em tonight?”

“Yeah, my mom threw a fit.”

“Because she’s black?”

“Yeah”

“You gonna plow?”

“Yeah”

Ruby took a long drag. Blacks and Latinos were kinda like that. No one acknowledged it though, she never figured out why, no one wanted to talk about it.

“We’re here, put your shoes on and get out. Your feet stink.” Juan chided as he pulled into the parking lot of the swankiest ice cream pub in town: Swanky’s Ice Cream Pub. He leaned forward against the steering wheel as he looked down on Ruby.

“Good luck on your date.” Ruby said, her seat springing back up. She gave Juan a small salute and grabbed her shoes. “Keep it wrapped.” He returned the gesture as she got out and walked to the pub, flicking her cigarette aside as the door jingle-jangled shut behind her bubble butt.


	3. Barflies

The bell above the door gave a crisp jingle as Ruby mosied in. The place was dead tonight. Just how she liked it. She never came for the company, just a few drinks. That’s what this place was good for, it was ugly as sin and it probably needed to be condemned but health inspectors are lazy, corrupt, schlubs. 

Striding across the ruddy wood floor Ruby hopped up onto her favorite bar stool and banged her hands on the counter. “Rainbow Sherbet in vodka.” She hollered. The one or two other barflies unphased from their lull.The blonde buxom bar babe didn’t respond either, Glynda sat back ten feet away perusing a book about the process of EV training.

Her profound lack of action riled Ruby’s jimmies in the worst way.

With a glare Ruby began to repeatedly slam her hands on the bar. The wood trembled and rattled with each smack. Cockroaches and rats that had made their home under the wood surface began to evacuate en masse.

When Glynda finally looked up from her book it was solely to grab an empty glass from the bar. She then proceeded to throw said glass at Ruby’s head.It shattered against her forehead, tearing skin and sending flesh and blood airborne as she fell from her perch.

She hit the floor hard. Her ears were ringing and the sensation of warm blood sent a chill down her back as the fluid washed down her head. The taste of blood flushed through her mouth. It took a moment to realize she had bitten into her cheek during the fall and what’s worse, her glasses were more or less destroyed.

Ruby gave a tired sigh. The pain was immense but she was tired and broke so she’d have to pass up heading to the hospital and placing herself in the poor house. With a groan she sat up, curious she tentatively touched the fresh wound and pulled back two soaked fingers. “Yeah, that’s blood.”

Eventually Glynda poked her head over the counter to look down at the girl. “You need to pay for that glass.”

“Sure,” Ruby groaned, dazed and frustrated. “Can I get some vodka? I need to clean up.”

“I’m not your clinic. Go to the hospital.” Glynda snapped as she receded back to her leisurely position.

“Bathroom sink it is then.” Ruby mumbled as she tried to get to her feet, her knees swaying under her as she tried to prop herself against the bar. “Can the brain get gangrene?”

“The bathroom is for customers. I don’t want you in my bar.” Glynda chided coolly as she poured herself a shot of vodka and pounded it back. “ And by the way,” Her voice hoarse “You have barbecue sauce on your cheek.”

“Thanks, but I know.” Ruby muttered before slipping on her own blood and body slamming into the ground. Vision obscured behind a sopping wet curtain of red as blood poured down over her eyes.


	4. Blinded by the Vixen

_ ‘Shaved…’ _

 

“Hey, up here.” The white haired woman, surrounded with etheric radiance, hissed. 

 

“Hmm?” Ruby responded simply. She was at more or less of a loss. One blink ago she was back in the Ice Cream Pub bleeding profusely from the head. Now she was in the cleanest and by far the most blinding capital building she’d ever seen. The electricity bill must’ve been a drain if they could afford to pour light from every square-inch of the building. “Wha?” She mumbled as she fumbled for her sunglasses.

 

“Your possessions are with your mortal form.” The woman said calmly, crossing her legs as she leaned back in a tall ‘n’ plush throne. 

 

“.... Huh?”

 

The stranger gave a heavy sigh as she pinched the bridge of her nose. “You are dead. Deceased. Bereft of life. You have expired. You are no more. You’ve kicked the bucket! You’ve croaked! If you weren’t decaying on the floor of a bar you’d be pushing up daisies! You, Ruby Rose, are an ex-person!!”

 

“..... Been enjoying Monty Python?”

 

“... Yes actually, I just saw that bit earlier.”

 

“I love that episode.” Ruby gave a short chuckle. “Remember the Argument Clinic?”

 

She stopped to ponder, warmth crossing her lips in a smile. “A bit, I haven’t seen it in a while, but I remember liking it.”

 

“Check it out again, I really like that one.”

 

“I’ll look it up later when I go on lunch, my Manager’s a hardass.”

 

“Ah I hate those kinds. So, yeah, I’m dead?” Ruby asked curiosity returning as she looked down at her bare naked body. She didn’t necessarily mind being nude though; her company seemed pleasant and the room was a decent temperature so she she couldn’t care less. If anything the lighting was the only thing bothering her.

 

“Yes, from what your folder says it was blood loss.”

 

“Aww that sucks.”

 

The white haired giant raised an eyebrow. “Were you hoping for something more eventful? It wasn’t especially painful.”

 

“I dunno, I've heard death by over-ejaculation is a pretty good way to go.”

 

“That's not a thing.”

 

“Really? Then you aren't dating the right people, sweet cheeks.”

 

The white haired girl smiled down at her. “I take it you were quite the charmer?”

 

“If you believe it then sure.”

 

The giant white haired girl snickered. If there was something Ruby was not, whether in life or death, it was a flirter. But she had the air of confidence on her side. The girl above her had also started off on a nice note.

 

“So,” Ruby decided to go with a leap of faith. “Wanna get dinner?”

 

“Hmm,” uncrossing her legs and stooping down from her thrown the angelic, alabaster skinned stranger extended her forefinger. With the force of a harsh wind she brushed her cold skin across Ruby's cheek and pulled back. The dark haired girl stumbled forward, but watched breathlessly as the girl stuck out her pink tongue and licked her finger. “Barbecue Sauce.”

 

“... Yeah, I got lazy.”

 

The girl snickered. “My name's Weiss. I'll be at your window tomorrow at seven. Don't let a girl down.”

 

Will a snap of her fingers Ruby dropped. Air whipped at her body as she fell back to the world. A small grin spread across the red and black haired girl's lips. “Weiss,”


End file.
